*blink*
Tired of being tired
or of not being tired enough.
Tired for all the wrong reasons
and never tired for the right one.
It’s possible
to just lie in bed but lose your breath;
to shut your eyes but lose sleep;
and, surprisingly,
to
lose
yourself
but have nothing to lose, in reality.
*blink*
I thought kisses were only for boyfriends;
turns out they weren’t, not exclusively, no.
So I thought kisses were, maybe, for anyone you love;
turns out they weren’t, not exclusively, no.
Finally I thought,
kisses were at the very least freely given,
always consented;
turns out they weren’t,
not exclusively,
no.
The sun always sets,
just like how every difficult year almost always ends.
“Almost always”,
“Almost” always doesn’t make sense –
like that job you don’t go to
because you only “almost” qualified;
or that class you’ll have to take again
because you only “almost” passed.
How about that person you can’t call yours
because you only “almost” had her;
or that award that could have been yours
but you only “almost” won.
I hate how “almost” hardly ever counts.
It’s having to do everything that’s needed,
but not getting the result that was expected.
Look, wanting a win once in a while isn’t as bad as it sounds.
So today, your difficult year may or may not have ended.
Probably for some, it has only started.
But just as how the sun always sets,
we can only hope that, just the same, the sun always rises.
How were you ever left unnoticed, when you were there all the time?
Either I didn’t look, or maybe didn’t really try.
Your goodness was loud, but, to me, your flaws were louder.
Why do I keep choosing to listen to the latter?
Thoughts, you had a lot of them right?
I don’t know why I fell asleep each time you stayed up at night.
Oh I remember, you loved talking about your art.
Until one day I stopped asking about it, I guess that was the worst part.
You were consistent
yet I was ignorant
until you felt almost non-existent.
I forgot, you were important.
I made you wait for something to change
only to have ourselves estranged.
What once was alive,
now we have arrived
at a neutral, pointless range.
So to the person I had taken for granted,
I mean – to my old self that, today, I still am taking for granted…
We used to be a lot of things before, so where have the golden days gone?
I need some reminding.
I keep on forgetting, you ARE an important one.
Numbness, they say, is an absence of feeling
yet I think it’s an absolute overpowering
like chaos within an external immobilizing
or deafening screams of a mouth. not. disclosing.
Maybe numbness is rationally not recognizing
what we uncontrollably have been feeling
or perhaps a conscious shift of expressing
from crying to yelling. to. actually. breaking.
Numbness is a facade we keep on fabricating
inconsistent to the emotions we are suppressing;
or maybe we ourselves are incapable of identifying
these unruly thoughts we had. long. been. hiding.
How can the ability to feel get tiring
and tiring turn to anesthetizing
what the heart has been demanding
kept secret inside a body. that. stopped. moving.
How I wish the state of being numb really existed
because the truth is, I’m exhausted
of the rage that cannot be defeated
or the love that can never. be. retreated.
And so for some sort of timing, I waited
to finally shout these words I collected.
Maybe it’s better to admit we’re affected?
Yet we cling to the momentary relief of being. numb. instead.
either cannot, or forgot, or what not.
Sa mga delayed, shifter, irreg, actually sa kahit sinong estudyante, para sa inyo to.
DISCLAIMER: This is not a success story. It’s actually about failing.. failing to give up.
This won’t be the usual “In my 4 years in UST” etc. Maiba tayo. Naka 6 years ako eh.
Kung makakausap ko lang ang sarili ko 3 years ago, sa semester na sukong suko na ako, aking ibubulong:
“Bagsak ka, pero ‘di ka bobo.
Preso ka, ‘di ng mapanghusgang mundo, kundi ng mababang tingin mo sa sarili mo.
Pero ‘di kita masisisi. ‘Yan din marahil ang pinaramdam sayo ng sistemang hawak ka sa leeg. ‘Di ka makawala. ‘Di pa. Natagalan pa.
Na-delay ka.
Pinanghinaan. Kinwestyon ang kakayahan. Angking talino ay nakalimutan.
Nanakawan ng kinabukasan. Naubusan ng pangarap. Naligaw na nang dahan-dahan.
Kaya mo ‘yan.
Susuportahan ka ng dati mong batchmates.
Tatanggapin ka ng mga bago mong kaklase.
Kaya mo ‘yan.
Gaganahan ka ulit mag-aral.
Babawiin mo ang nawala.
KAYA MO ‘YAN.
‘Wag natin kalimutan ang mga ate sa front desk na ‘di ka inasikaso, mga propesor na pinagmakaawaan mo at ang mga insensitibong taong nagpahiya sayo.
PASALAMATAN MO.
Pero higit sa lahat, ang dapat mo talagang unang pasalamatan ay walang iba kundi ang SARILI MO.
Dahil good news, graduate na ako. Salamat, ‘di ka sumuko.
Nakakainip. Pero sa dulo, ‘di na kung ilang taon sa college ang bibilangin eh. Matanong nga kita,
Ilang pagsubok na ang iyong kinaya? Ilang tao sa buhay mo ang di ka sinukuan, di ka iniwanan habang nasa ilalim ka? At sa bawat gabi na humagulhol ka, ilang umaga ang bumangon kang puno ng pag-asa?
Sa mata ni Lord, walang bilangan.
Sabi nga ng tropa ko, ‘Hindi ka man grumaduate on time, at least, in time.‘
Konti pang tiis.
Konti pang hintay.
Tuloy ang buhay.”
Czesca Angelica P. dela Rama
2011030299
University of Santo Tomas
BS Electronics Engineering ’11-’14
BSBA Business Economics ’14-’17
Dapat Batch 2016. Naging Batch 2017.
CUM LAUDE SA PAGLABAN
Maganda naman ako ah?
Iiwan mo raw ako, sabi nila!
Eh ang tagal na kaya nating live-in.
Bakit?
Pangit na ba ang bahay? Kulang ba ang pagkain?
Dinadaya ba tayo ni Manang sa singil ng renta?
Sige na.
Mangungutang na ako – wag ka lang umalis.
Pinturahan natin ang dingding, walisin natin ang sahig…
Ayos lang ba, tulungan tayo?
Oh!
Ayan nakatingin ka na naman sa iba!
Sagutin mo nga, kailan ka ba huling nagandahan sakin?
– Pilipinas
You were my favorite breakfast, I yours.
We blended like bread and butter
Bacon and eggs, toast and jam…
Then one day, I’m sorry love, but I got fed up.
So I left you on the table
Until you turned into that bread, hard as rock.
The next morning, you found another plate.
A new twist of breakfast, more of your taste.
It’s wrong to miss you, my favorite one
It’s wrong to miss the sweet taste of your kiss
Hey, breakfast is done. I must leave for lunch.
But love, why leave crumbs on the floor?
Apophänie | Epiphany 